Help our boys acquire healthy self-esteem and find their unique selves.
One of the themes from mental health month is celebrating your unique self. Children need our input in helping them to develop a strong sense of self so it is worth thinking about what they need.
Usually the journey to discover identity starts at a young age when parents and teachers help little boys and girls to learn to love and appreciate themselves. Boys and girls need our help, and they have slightly different needs. Let’s take a look at how we can help them in developing a healthy self-esteem.
What are some of the steps to help our boys develop a healthy self-esteem? Here are some of my favourite tips from Elizabeth Hartley-Brewerwell, who writes on parenting topics and is the renowned author of Self-Esteem for Boys: 100 tips for raising happy and confident children (2000).
Tip 1: Approve of who he is, even though you hate what he does.
It is important to love and accept our boys, even when you find parenting them a huge challenge. Boys are usually noisier and more prone to accidents, and might get into trouble more often. When disciplining a boy, make sure you comment on his actions rather than who he is as a person. Stay away from: “You are hopeless – buying new clothes for you is just wasting money”. Instead, let him explore and take small risks, and allocate a set of clothes for outside adventures so you need not worry if they get slightly damaged. Organise activities that will satisfy his need for adventure and discovery: camping, participating in outdoor team sports or playing informal games in recreation parks.
Tip 2: Encourage caring masculinity.
Often masculinity can be confused with being macho or displaying aggressive and violent behaviour and with the rejection of caring and loving feelings. Messages about masculinity are absorbed at a very young age – some common messages include “men don’t cry”. However, if your son is sad or disappointed do not put him down saying that he is not tough enough to share his tears. Don’t belittle him when he expresses his emotions. Teach him to understand different emotions. At the same time, don’t accept violent or aggressive behaviour; teach your boy about communication skills and how to resolve conflicts effectively.
Tip 3: Don’t compare him to others.
“Why can”t you just behave like James?” Even if you feel frustrated and a bit jealous of James’ mother who seems to have everything under control (and her son behaves like an angel), stay away from such comments. They are never helpful and can lead to feelings of resentment or can start an argument. Don’t compare him to child geniuses who appear to get A pluses all the time, play their flute at the conservatorium and in their free time write a Phd and keep their room clean. Help him to discover his own talents and appreciate himself for who he is. It is important to tackle this, otherwise he might grow up constantly checking his Facebook newsfeeds to compare his holiday to Dan’s or LinkedIn profiles to see how advanced his former classmates are in their executive positions.
Tip 4: Make it safe for him to make mistakes.
Help him to learn that his ability to persevere and his desire to continue working hard, despite experiencing some discomfort or frustration in not getting there straight away, matters more than winning. Help him to understand where he can adjust his behaviour or learn a new skill to achieve desired results. During the times of disappointment, join him in reflecting on his experience and making necessary changes for the future. Help him feel unafraid of making mistakes. If you don’t know how to do it, just take a few moments and start by listening to Angela Lee Duckworth’s story about the Grit “The key to success: Grit”.
Tip 5: Watch him doing something he enjoys.
Watch him play soccer, ride a bicycle, tap dance or play a computer game. It does not matter what the activity is, be there and share this moment with him. Rejoice in his mastery of a skill, no matter how small or big. Let him share his paintings with you, ask him questions about what he does, show him that because it matters to him it matters to you as well. Your presence and interest in what he does will boost his self-esteem.
Elizabeth shares many more tips in her book Self-Esteem for Boys: 100 tips for raising happy and confident children (2000). Celebrate your unique self and help your children to learn to love and appreciate themselves from an early age. It will help them to grow up into adults who are loving and caring towards themselves and others. Knowing how to love ourselves and others will help us to be more sensitive and to create healthy boundaries to protect ourselves when we become too stressed or overwhelmed. In addition, it helps us to know if someone is not doing great and makes it easier to offer a helping hand.
Do you have any tips you would like to share? How do you help your children to acquire healthy self-esteem. Perhaps your parents did something that made a difference to your outlook?
Let us know your thoughts
Posted October 20, 2014 by Yuliya Richard.
Image: Flickr.com
License: Creative Commons Copyright
All rights reserved by Pedro Ribeiro Simoes
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