As a survivor of childhood abuse, start by helping yourself.
Lately, I have become interested in studies on forgiveness and self-forgiveness that indicate their benefits. But is this emphasis on forgiving always the appropriate path to follow? Consider the dilemma of childhood abuse survivors.
Much research has been done in the area of forgiveness, and the findings suggest that forgiving others for their wrongdoing leads to positive outcomes in the life of those who forgive. Similarly, the studies suggest that self-forgiveness can have a positive impact on an individual?s physical and mental wellbeing.
It seems logical that replacing negative emotions, such as blame, hurt, guilt, resentment, hate or anger, with positive emotions, such as hope, love, compassion or empathy, can lead to positive changes in a person?s life overall.
Others can help us to forgive the transgressor by questioning “How come you still hold a grudge?” They may advise us: “She did not know what she was doing” or “It was such a long time ago (water under the bridge)” or “You need to understand that he did the best he could with the knowledge he had”; or even “They were just sick, they could not help themselves”. What if all these observations are true, yet it is still hard to forgive?
In some circumstances the hurt in your heart may be so great that it is very hard to move on from past events. It may be that you were subjected to torture, or endured suffering, or that the people who were supposed to love and protect you hurt you the most. Perhaps time does not always heal?
Remembering the trauma every day can remind you that the feelings of hurt and pain remain. In some cases you might try to forgive and forget but when you don’t succeed you feel imprisoned by the past trauma. It doesn’t just affect your earlier life; it feels as if you are reliving the trauma again and again.
Is it possible that forgiveness is not the answer? Perhaps a person in these circumstances should start somewhere else. Alice Miller, in her famous book, The Drama of Being a Child: the search for the true self (Basic Books/1996) discusses a different approach to childhood trauma. Miller’s book is a great, thought-provoking read and some of her ideas on helping adults in therapy to deal with childhood abuse or trauma are worth sharing:
- Don’t start therapy trying to understand the motives of people (parents) who hurt you.
It was interesting to learn the author’s view that understanding the motives of parents who hurt a child does not have to be a part of the therapy. She argues that focusing on the feelings and motivations of the perpetrator might lead us to lose contact with our own feelings, when focusing on our own feelings is paramount to recognising past hurts.
“Feeling your own pain, and not that of your parents, is essential to the successful outcome of the therapy”.
Ultimately, while it is important for the parents that they seek help to examine their own issues, you cannot help them. You can only help yourself.
- “The mistreatment of children is not the inevitable fate of humankind.”
She simply states:
“Parents who have confronted the pain of their past will not mistreat their children.”
The author puts the responsibility back on the parents to look at ‘the damage’ done during their childhood, to acknowledge and work through it therapeutically. It is an invitation for adults to heal and move on, not only for their own sake but to help their children.
- The importance of the bond between parent and child.
This point might not seem controversial, and at the same time it still requires our attention: the bond between parent and child is important. The author looks at the case of mother and child bonding and suggests that a mother who has bonded with her child will be in less danger of mistreating her child. Many therapists work on helping mothers and their babies develop a stronger bond. Those who are yet to bond would benefit from learning more about it. Perhaps you have noticed a mother who is struggling initially and might be experiencing psychological and emotional distress. Don’t be a silent observer; encourage her to seek help.
Often people don’t realise they need help when they are depressed, or they might think: “I am weak”, “I am crazy”, “I am a bad mother and I am ashamed to seek help”. These messages highlight a belief that things will not change, and this is wrong. You can heal yourself from the trauma of the past, even if the people who were meant to protect you caused you pain and suffering. You can free yourself, you can become a better parent, and you can establish great relationships with your children. So give yourself a chance.
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License: Creative Commons Copyright
All rights reserved by Quinn Dombrowski
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