Learn how to take charge of your happiness
As a Psychologist, I often hear people say, “I don’t even know who I am anymore, I tried to do everything for him, I changed myself. My family and friends don’t recognise me any more”, or “She just wants me to comply all the time, nothing I do is good enough, I will never be good enough.”
It happens so often, we start dating then slowly we start changing – sometimes for the better. We can feel supported and valued in the relationship. We can apply for a new job, or start our own business, take up new hobbies, or simply begin liking and accepting ourselves. In other words, we flourish in such relationships.
Sometimes, however, we are not as lucky and feel that we have to work harder to earn love, approval and acceptance. Often, even after we have proven ourselves with hours of dedication, something still does not work. When we realise the relationship is not improving we feel low, rejected and simply unhappy.
It can be very tempting to blame our partner for this unhappiness. If you do that your focus will move away from what happened in the first place. You neglected yourself, you violated some of your own boundaries and did not attend to your own needs. So, instead of blaming your partner, start helping yourself with the following strategies.
- Develop self-awareness.
Pay attention to what you experience – your thoughts, feelings and sensations. Recognise your feelings; don’t judge them to start with, simply become aware of what they are. There could be anger, resentment or disappointment. Whatever it is, just become aware of it without having to change it straight away.
Then you can ask yourself: “What is it that I want? What do I want to achieve in this situation?” For the final step, ask yourself: “What did I usually do in the past? Now, what do I want to do in the future? If I continue taking these steps, what can I achieve?”
This exercise will help you to become more aware of your experiences and mindful of your actions.
- Develop Self-Compassion
For so many people developing self-compassion is the hardest to deal with. For some reason it is often confused with self-pity and weakness. I will ask you to be kind to yourself.
I still want you to try to achieve new goals, and become stronger and more resilient. Of course, I would like you to learn the necessary skills to become stronger, more flexible and skilful in order to achieve anything you put your mind to. However, I want you to ask yourself this question from time to time: “How can I be kind to myself today? How can I treat myself with kindness?”
This process might require you to revisit your boundaries, and create more time for yourself to relax. It would be necessary to identify if you were at your full capacity and to take a break or perhaps re-evaluate your priorities. You might need to review your stress-coping strategies and replace some unhealthy approaches for sustainable and healthy ones.
- Just note: eating two kilograms of vanilla or chocolate ice-cream, drinking wine or beer until you black out, or any other risky behaviour that puts you or any other people at risk is not being kind to yourself.
- Focus on Self-Development
If you feel that currently what you are doing is not rewarding, allow yourself the opportunity to grow personally and professionally. This can mean different things to different people. Start by asking yourself, “What kind of skill would I like to develop next?” For many people it can be communication, conflict resolution or assertiveness skills.
You may start a course you have wanted to do for a really long time, or finally join the local ‘boot camp’ twice a week, or pay attention to your spirituality or just allocate more time to the people who are important and bring joy into your life.
These are only the first three steps for you to consider. It is up to you what you do after reading this article but you can choose to focus on developing and looking after yourself. It is your life and your choice.
Image: Flickr.com
License: Creative Commons Copyright
All rights reserved by Andreas Wieser
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