Five ways your self-talk can turn your life into a nightmare

 

You really should think carefully about how you speak to yourself. Don’t let your negative self-talk ruin your life.

 

Think about what happens when two different individuals face the same challenging situation, perhaps a hurdle or a barrier to achieving something. For example, they both have their probation period at work extended.

One person might be annoyed and frustrated: “It’s not fair. I should not have to prove myself, they think that I am not good enough.” Yet another might say: “Yay, I am still in the game. It’s an opportunity for me to prove myself that I really deserve this position, while they are still deciding I can demonstrate I am worth their investment.” The way we interpret events in our lives, especially somewhat challenging events, influences our mood and how we respond to such situations. Of course, it is not the only reason, but it is important enough for you to spend a few minutes to consider your own self-talk.

What do you tell yourself in challenging situations? Does this make it easier for you to deal with the challenges – or harder?

Here are five important points about self-talk for you to consider:

1. Self-talk is usually automatic and the majority of the time you barely notice it. People often say: “There is no self-talk, I just react this way” or “It just happened, I don’t say anything to myself”.

But the truth is we really rarely slow down enough to allow us time to actually think what is going on, if I always react this way – why? Why do I react this way all the time, is my reaction even valid? Do I want to change it? So slow down and reflect on what is happening.

2. Self-talk is just a two-word (sometimes one-word) bullet that does not always makes sense but makes you sweat every time. For example, often your self-talk sounds like this:

“Oh no”, or “S%*^t”, or even “Oh, God” with a “Please noooooo” – or simply: “Not again”.

Because it happens so quickly it can be difficult to evaluate this reaction and intervene effectively. So usually we just accept it. I encourage you not to accept it, and to question why you react this way. For some people, if they have been constantly reprimanded for being clumsy, breaking a glass can lead to the response: “Oh s&*^”. Whereas others might just say: “Uh-oh, it happens”, or “It was time to buy a new tea-set anyway”.

3. Negative self-talk prevents you from taking risks and delays your progress. For example, the longer you tell yourself:

“I will embarrass myself if I make suggestions during the meeting, they will not take me seriously”, the harder it would be for you to find the courage to contribute. Usually, such self-talk will lead to you feeling more hesitant and doubting yourself even more.

4. Self-talk can heighten your anxiety and lead to panic attacks. Have you ever made yourself more anxious by excessive talking? Here is what it sounds like:

“I have an interview in half an hour, I am so nervous, my palms are sweaty, I can’t think straight, I will embarrass myself. I really want that job, but she will notice how nervous I am, I will not get it. I am so pathetic, I will not get it”

“Oh God, I can’t take it any more, here we go again. I can’t breathe, I need fresh air. I can’t leave, I need this job. I will blow it, I know, I will totally embarrass myself” Oh God, I hate interviews.

Many people can relate to feeling nervous or anxious when applying for a job, especially one that you really want. Instead, while waiting for your turn, you can change your self-talk slightly to make it easier for yourself to get through the interview.

5. Self-talk almost sounds like the truth. If your self-talk makes you feel anxious and increases your stress levels, you might not feel up to challenging it. Don?t let it torture you. You would not let your friend constantly prevent you from taking risks by saying:

“Oh it is going to be hard, you know that you are not really good at it. Other people will laugh at you. You don’t really think that you can compete with those guys do you? Are you kidding? Just shut up, shut up, don’t open your mouth. You’ve got nothing worthwhile to contribute.”

If your friend said all this to you, you would be outraged – and yet you have the same conversation with yourself again and again. Maybe it is time to change the conversation?

What do you think?

1. Of course, not all self-talk is bad for you. You might encourage yourself before an important meeting, you might be compassionate and treat yourself with kindness when your heart is aching or you must deal with disappointments. In this case, your self-talk is not a problem. But if you notice that you are critical, judgmental, anxious, stressed and depressed as a result of it – then change your self-talk.

 

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