For a number of years I have admired the great Dr Brené Brown, an author, researcher and professor at the University of Houston. She is most famous for her research and talks on shame and vulnerability. Her approach is highly relatable and has wide appeal because of her honesty in talking about her own experience struggling with the issues of shame and vulnerability that we all deal with at some point in our life.
In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are (Hazelden 2010), she shares her ideas on what can make us resilient to shame. Although many researchers argue that our ability to feel shame is not harmful and can, in some situations, help us to regulate our behaviour in a positive way, Dr Brown follows on from the research findings that shame can lead to destructive and hurtful behaviours. She encourages us to start our resilience building by understanding our own symptoms of shame. The following questions are recommended as the starting point in your own journey to work on shame resilience.
- Who do you become when you are backed into a ‘shame corner’?
Some of us might become nasty and mean-spirited ourselves; we might feel anger and want to hurt the person who shamed us. Others might want to withdraw and hide. What kind of person do you become? What are your experiences of shame?
- What actions do you take to protect yourself?
Do you attack, hide, runaway, deny, deflect, project, hurt or destroy? How do you try to keep yourself safe?
- Who do you call to work through your experience of shame?
Who is the person that you can call on to talk about your experience of shame honestly, without the fear of being judged or dismissed? Who is your trusted friend, the one who will be there for you in the moment of your hurt?
- What is the most courageous thing you could do for yourself when you feel small or hurt?
As difficult as it feels, can you reach out and tell your story when you experience shame? Dr Brown advises that while our stories are not for everyone, it can be appropriate for special people in our lives to share our stories. Dr Brown states: “Shame is about fear, blame and disconnection and story is about worthiness and embracing imperfections that bring out courage, compassion, and connection”.
Dr Brown suggests that figuring out the answers to these questions can be life changing. Are you ready to change your life? What would your life be like if you felt that you are worthy, loved and okay to be imperfect?
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